paradise for criminals

Posted by George B in 100wc | Tagged | 5 Comments

As I walked down the ally way I noticed a small dusty door only big enough for a small boy. I could fit through there. so I did. when I went through I saw bags and bags of money I heard talking, talking of stealing and robbery. I was in a den for…CRIMINALS!. “dis is  paradise for criminals! the only problem is when the police come where would we hide it all?” spoke the large criminal “what?” replied the puny criminal ” the money” spoke the large criminal back. I knew I had to escape other wise I could be framed!  and, I don’t think my mum will be happy if I go to prison , I noticed a small warp hole across the room that led to the field at the end of my road , so when the escapes weren’t looking , I made a run for it , well, the criminals noticed , and, I got shot at by a pistol but I managed to doge the slick bullets , it was a swift retreat, but I managed , and got home in time to go to the cinema. But the criminals managed to track me to odean and my dad had to call police and s.w.a.t and the bad guys went to prison.

5 responses to “paradise for criminals”

  1. Mrs Taylor says:

    Phew! A lucky escape then!

    I really like the use of gangster speak in this.
    So now you need to sort out those capital letters and full stops in order to show your full potential as an excellent writer.

  2. Charlie says:

    Hi, George a really magical paragraph its really nice to see your writing. I really liked the bit were you made the criminals speak weirdly because that made them feel more criminal-like. If you were allowed more words you could describe the criminals a bit more e.g There was one with a black bandanna.

  3. Sam says:

    This is a really good piece of writing I like the idea of the dad calling the police and the S.W.A.T team comes. Next time you might want to re-read the text so you can remember those CAPITAL LETTERS 🙂 Other than that a really nice piece George
    :p

  4. Mrs Addleton says:

    My goodness George, you have such a fantastic imagination; never in my wildest dreams did I expect a warp hole to feature in your blog! Despite putting this together in fits and starts during your playtimes this week, you have managed to keep a good flow to your story line and you take your reader on a really exciting adventure.

    Your description of the criminals and use of direct speech is so effective, and combined with the language you use for the large criminal, it really helped me put an image and a voice to these characters.

    The vocabulary you chose to desribe the alley way, the way the bullets moved and your ‘swift retreat’ kept my interest all the way through and I actually felt quite nervous that you might not make it near the end!

    You used a wide range of punctuation including commas, however perhaps the last sentence was a bit too long and could be improved by being broken into two or three sentences? Also, make sure you use the exact prompt next time; it should have read ‘but where would we hide it all’.

    George, I really can’t wait to hear more stories from you.
    From Mrs Addleton
    3 house points

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